pro_junior Report This Comment Date: January 17, 2006 05:10AM
(copied from craigslist, rants and raves, portland, OR)
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris walks to the moon to take a dump.
Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.
Chuck Norris invented the word "twat" and uses it in every fourth
sentence.
In Indo-China, Chuck Norris' left testicle is worshiped as the God of Love,
whereas his right testicle is viewed as fire breathing demon from hell.
Heart disease may be the leading cause of death in women age 45 to 65, but Chuck
Norris is still the leading cause of death in men age 0 to 125.
Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
The name Chuck Norris translates to perfection in twenty different
languages.
Chuck Norris's dick is so big, it has its own Dick. And Chuck Norris's Dick's
dick is bigger than your dick.
Scientists from 50 different countries tried to measure the speed of Chuck
Norris' roundhouse kick. They will be missed.
A Tsunami is water fleeing from Chuck Norris.
Every dinosaur skull ever found has the imprint of a size 15 cowboy boot on its
jaw. Scientists are baffled, but we know damn well why.
Chuck Norris owns 3 pit bulls and 2 dobermans, yet if you go near his property
the only sign you see is "Beware of Chuck Norris".
The only gold medal Chuck Norris hasn't won at the Olympics is in gymnastics
because that is for fags.
Chuck Norris is currently filing suit against God for identity theft.
Contray to poular belief, there was never an atomic bomb dropped on Hiroshima.
The blast was actually the result of Chuck Norris being told that fortune
cookies are Chinese, not Japanese.
Chuck Norris coined the term "69" when he made a girl orgasm 69 times
by rubbing his beard against her buttcheek.
Chuck Norris clogs the toilet even when he pisses.
Chuck Norris was so mad when he found out Santa wasn't real, he invented
Hanukkah
A man was once stranded on the side of the road after his car ran out of gas.
Chuck Norris drove by, got out, and looked the man in the eye. The man knew that
everything would be fine. Then Chuck proceeded to piss into the man's gas tank
and to this very day that man has never had to fill his gas tank up again. That
was 14 years ago.
Chuck Norris once fought off 42 ninjas bilndfolded, while having sex with 3
women.
Chuck Norris goes to bed with morning wood.
Once, Chuck Norris was partying all night, and the sun came up. Chuck Norris
didn't want to stop partying, so he made the sun go back down. With his
mind.
Chuck Norris can have as much homosexual sex as he wants and still be considered
straight. This ability was given to him by the Pope, out of gratitude for the
movie "Missing in Action".
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15
cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer
only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance
Armstrong.
They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from
anybody.
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life
there.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris can live without sex for 10 minutes.
Chuck Norris has slept with every woman in the world just to be absolutely sure
that he has fucked your wife.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized,
Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil,
who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it
coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Who in the hell brings a knife to a gun fight? On a similiar note, who in the
hell brings a gun to a Chuck Norris Fight?
Chuck Norris' family crest is a barracuda eating Neil Armstrong.
Chuck NOrris never takes his boots off, and one Thanksgiving roundhouse kicked
his grandmother's dentures out for asking him to do so. When asked why, a
steely-eyed Chuck answered, "No boots, no Chuck," before vanishing in
a flurry of spin kicks and snapping teeth.
As a teenager, Chuck Norris had the beginnings of a receding hairline. Chuck's
beard, being ever so perceptive, noticed this and cloned itself allowing the
cloned beard to crawl to the balding area in order to make Chuck's hair as thick
and lush as ever.
One gram of Chuck Norris will power the entire universe for 17 years if placed
in a nuclear reactor instead of uranium or plutonium.
Chuck Norris' beard was the inspiration for the Swiss Army Knife.
Chuck Norris knows how to 96 with women.
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of
failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you
know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this
man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a
fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a
picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to
pay taxes ever.
The reason The VietCong dug tunnels in Vietnam was not to make suprise attacks
on South Vietnamese or American soldiers, but to hide from Chuck Norris...
99f Chuck Norris is kick ass. The remaining 1s pain in your genitals. The
other 10 ontributes to world hunger because Chuck Norris always gives 110
According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually
roundhouse kick you yesterday.
Oxygen requires Chuck Norris to live.
Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was
removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick.
When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no
glitch."
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45
minutes having sex with his waitress.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the
information he wants.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the
hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami
Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football
history.
Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I
mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean
"babies".
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man
ate a fucking Indian.
Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to
tell him.
Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell them there was
a stripper in it.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck
Norris.
If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.
Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can
cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn
baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the
farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris
roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more
that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We
know this beverage as Red Bull.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris
The quickest way to a mans heart is with Chuck Norriss fist.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, Two seconds till. After
you ask, Two seconds to what? he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once
said he couldnt, he replied, Of course I can, Im Chuck Norris, and roundhouse
kicked him in the face.
If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats
all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.
On the 7th day, God rested. Chuck Norris took over.
Scientists used to believe that diamond was the worlds hardest substance. But
then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard,
and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial
Chuck Norris.
God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super
strength roundhouse ability.
When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35,
he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
Chuck Norris roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by
the naked eye.
If you want a list of Chuck Norris enemies, just check the extinct species
list.
Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
Chuck Norris doesnt need to swallow when eating food.
If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would
win? Chuck Norris.
Ironically, Chuck Norris hidden talent is invisibility.
Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed
into a robot.
Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the
1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7
of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly get out of jail free
card.
One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left
testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term:
Jupiter.
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern
Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being
bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision,
beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked
through a car windshield.
Chuck Norris eats babies and poops out delta force troopers
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford
will simply change the actual spelling of it.
Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck
Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.
In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be seen
powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.
Chuck Norris is where babies come from.
The Beatles song Norwegian Wood is in fact about Chuck Norris' penis.
Chuck Norris starts everyday with a protein shake made from Carnation Instant
Breakfast, one dozen eggs, pure Colombian cocaine, and rattlesnake venom.
Chuck Norris recently parted the Red Sea, so he could win a bet with God. Chuck
is now immortal and is currently debating with God that he could beat him in an
arm wrestling match.
Chuck Norris once noticed that each woman orgasms at a specific frequency. After
10 minutes of practice, he preformed the first ever orgasm orchestra for the
largest crowd in music histroy. Unfortunately, the sight of Chuck Norris having
sex caused every audience member to also orgasm, ruining his masterpiece.
Chuck Norris always wins Connect Four in six turns or less.
Chuck Norris does not open doors for his date. He roundhouse kicks them down.
Her, too.
Chuck Norris does not see dead people. He eats them.
Chuck Norris has a Wrangler belt in karate.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Nothing can keep Chuck Norris away.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped
people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris
and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
shaDEz Report This Comment Date: January 19, 2006 04:33PM
Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can
kill him and take it.
There are no disabled people in the world. Only those people who have felt the
wrath of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "Fucking."
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a
picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to
pay taxes ever
Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the
living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game
forfeited.
There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck
Norris.
In the movie “Back to the Future” they used Chuck Norris' Delorean to go
back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to him with a scratch
on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J. Fox, which years later was
the cause of his Parkinson's disease.
Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always. The only time he didn't
was in 1941, otherwise known as the beginning of the Holocaust.
Chuck Norris can enter up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A,
Select, Start using only his erection.
Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes corn
needs to lie the fuck down.
When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead
requests a hand gun and a bucket.
Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no
survivors.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill
you, including the room itself.
Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of
tennis.
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's
shit.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the
Earth down.
Chuck Norris puts the m's on M&Ms.
Chuck Norris was a hidden playable character on Mortal Kombat 2 on the Sega
Genesis.
Chuck Norris is known for his modesty but readily admits that he is the 8th
wonder of the natural world
Chuck Norris goes to the toilet once a month, if he needs to or not.
Chuck Norris burned down an entire forest when he was experimenting with
water.
There are in fact 31 letters of the English Alphabet however only Chuck Norris
knows what the extra 5 letters are.
Occasionally Chuck Norris will call up the Power Rangers just to say hi.
Chuck Norris has no concept of time, if you go to his house you won't find a
single clock. When you ask to leave because it's getting late he stares at you
blankly until you sit back down.
Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.
Chuck Norris once ate a banana without having to peel it.
Every piece of furniture in Chuck Norris' house is a Total Gym
In a recent interview, Chuck Norris told Entertainment Tonight co-host Mary Hart
that his most memorable role was when he played the third breast on the hooker
in "Total Recall".
Chuck Norris once did a back flip off the Great Wall of China.
Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.
Chuck Norris caught all 386 pokemon in just under 2.7 seconds. He says he won't
trade any of them for anything.
In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for one
scene and nobody noticed.
Chuck Norris broke his own leg, purely for the sake of winning the
paralympics.
Chuck Norris will never fully be male nor female. Doctors once asked him which
he preferred. He gave them an ad for a Total Gym.
Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can
"accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.
Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your
erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for
up to 15 days
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of
failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
If you look in a mirror and say "Chuck Norris" three times, he will
appear and kill your entire family... but at least you get to see Chuck Norris.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped
people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris
and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man
ate a fucking Indian.
Chuck Norris was the original Danny Tanner on the hit family sitcom, "Full
House". He was replaced by Bob Saget after an unfortunate incident with one
of the Olsen triplets.
When Chuck Norris was driving he saw a sign that said, "Caution: Small
Children Playing." So he slowed down, but then it occurred to him: Chuck
Norris isn't afraid of small children.
If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.
In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes
that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book
are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten.
Chuck Norris invented cancer because he was tired of killing people
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas
A Chevy truck was totalled in a car accident. It hit black ice, then hit Chuck
Norris. You tell me what did the damage.
Everytime Chuck Norris hears the term ‘Virgin’ Mary he laughs out
loud…
It used to be called the Tower of Pisa…until Chuck Norris decided to
roundhouse kick the shit out of it
Chuck Norris kills 14 white people at the end of every week just to prove he
isn’t racist.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn
baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the
farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris
roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more
that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of
“beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous
of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck
omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related
deaths.
To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15
cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer
only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance
Armstrong.
The original theme song to the Transformers was actually “Chuck Norris–more
than meets the eye, Chuck Norris–robot in disguise,” and starred Chuck
Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons
and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show,
however, so it was divided.
Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once
said he couldn’t, he replied, “Of course I can, I’m Chuck Norris,” and
roundhouse kicked him in the face.
If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats
all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.
On the 7th day, God rested…. Chuck Norris took over.
When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays
dead. When playing dead doesn’t work, he plays zombie.
Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the
Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.
Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world’s hardest substance. But
then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard,
and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial
Chuck Norris.
God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super
strength roundhouse ability.
When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35,
he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
A duck’s quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this
phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.
Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris
lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.
Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space
by the naked eye.
Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in Germany.
If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species
list.
Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
Chuck Norris doesn’t need to swallow when eating food.
If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would
win? Chuck Norris.
Ironically, Chuck Norris’ hidden talent is invisibility.
Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed
into a robot.
Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the
1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7
of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly ‘get out of jail
free’ card.
Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks.
So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he
may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
Chuck Norris invented water.
Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn’t find one. He walked to a
vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone
constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned
the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames,
“always leave things the way you found em!”
One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left
testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term:
Jupiter.
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern
Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being
bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision,
beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked
through a car windshield.
Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker’s real father.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford
will simply change the actual spelling of it.
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because
he has run out of women.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the
information he wants.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds
till."
After you ask, "Two seconds till what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the
face.
Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have
increased 13,000 percent.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but
that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him.
Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school
football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him
kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhouse kicked the baby
60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the
stadium.
When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said,
"Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back
five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a
few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his
wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and
said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger; it is actually a list
of people that Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked in the face that day.
If you unscramble the letters in "Chuck Norris" you get "Huck
corn, sir." That is why every fall, Chuck travels to Nebraska and burns the
entire state down.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the
speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was
flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to
punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or
dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon,
since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes
it to Oregon before you.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK
assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard,
deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized,
Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil,
who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it
coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck
Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We
know this beverage as Red Bull.
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying
"booya".
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling,
"Bang!"
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima
rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more
"humane".
Chuck Norris often asks people to pull his finger. When they do, he roundhouses
them in the abdomen. Then he farts.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked
names for his left and right legs.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you
may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're
thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my
virginity." then you are dead wrong.
Chuck Norris uses a live rattle snake for a condom.
Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they
attack.
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck
if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN
THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his
girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't f--k with
Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this
statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the
blast went deaf.
Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was
removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick.
When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no
glitch."
If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species
list.
Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
Chuck Norris doesn’t need to swallow when eating food.
If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would
win? Chuck Norris.
Ironically, Chuck Norris’ hidden talent is invisibility.
Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed
into a robot.
Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the
1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7
of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly ‘get out of jail
free’ card.
Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks.
So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he
may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
Chuck Norris invented water.
Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn’t find one. He walked to a
vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone
constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned
the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames,
“always leave things the way you found em!”
One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left
testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term:
Jupiter.
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern
Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being
bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision,
beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked
through a car windshield.
Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker’s real father.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford
will simply change the actual spelling of it.
Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck
Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.
In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be seen
powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.
