(copied from craigslist, rants and raves, portland, OR)

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris walks to the moon to take a dump.

Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.
Chuck Norris invented the word "twat" and uses it in every fourth sentence.

In Indo-China, Chuck Norris' left testicle is worshiped as the God of Love, whereas his right testicle is viewed as fire breathing demon from hell.

Heart disease may be the leading cause of death in women age 45 to 65, but Chuck Norris is still the leading cause of death in men age 0 to 125.

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

The name Chuck Norris translates to perfection in twenty different languages.

Chuck Norris's dick is so big, it has its own Dick. And Chuck Norris's Dick's dick is bigger than your dick.

Scientists from 50 different countries tried to measure the speed of Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick. They will be missed.

A Tsunami is water fleeing from Chuck Norris.

Every dinosaur skull ever found has the imprint of a size 15 cowboy boot on its jaw. Scientists are baffled, but we know damn well why.

Chuck Norris owns 3 pit bulls and 2 dobermans, yet if you go near his property the only sign you see is "Beware of Chuck Norris".

The only gold medal Chuck Norris hasn't won at the Olympics is in gymnastics because that is for fags.

Chuck Norris is currently filing suit against God for identity theft.

Contray to poular belief, there was never an atomic bomb dropped on Hiroshima. The blast was actually the result of Chuck Norris being told that fortune cookies are Chinese, not Japanese.

Chuck Norris coined the term "69" when he made a girl orgasm 69 times by rubbing his beard against her buttcheek.

Chuck Norris clogs the toilet even when he pisses.

Chuck Norris was so mad when he found out Santa wasn't real, he invented Hanukkah

A man was once stranded on the side of the road after his car ran out of gas. Chuck Norris drove by, got out, and looked the man in the eye. The man knew that everything would be fine. Then Chuck proceeded to piss into the man's gas tank and to this very day that man has never had to fill his gas tank up again. That was 14 years ago.

Chuck Norris once fought off 42 ninjas bilndfolded, while having sex with 3 women.

Chuck Norris goes to bed with morning wood.

Once, Chuck Norris was partying all night, and the sun came up. Chuck Norris didn't want to stop partying, so he made the sun go back down. With his mind.

Chuck Norris can have as much homosexual sex as he wants and still be considered straight. This ability was given to him by the Pope, out of gratitude for the movie "Missing in Action".

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris can live without sex for 10 minutes.

Chuck Norris has slept with every woman in the world just to be absolutely sure that he has fucked your wife.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Who in the hell brings a knife to a gun fight? On a similiar note, who in the hell brings a gun to a Chuck Norris Fight?

Chuck Norris' family crest is a barracuda eating Neil Armstrong.

Chuck NOrris never takes his boots off, and one Thanksgiving roundhouse kicked his grandmother's dentures out for asking him to do so. When asked why, a steely-eyed Chuck answered, "No boots, no Chuck," before vanishing in a flurry of spin kicks and snapping teeth.

As a teenager, Chuck Norris had the beginnings of a receding hairline. Chuck's beard, being ever so perceptive, noticed this and cloned itself allowing the cloned beard to crawl to the balding area in order to make Chuck's hair as thick and lush as ever.



One gram of Chuck Norris will power the entire universe for 17 years if placed in a nuclear reactor instead of uranium or plutonium.

Chuck Norris' beard was the inspiration for the Swiss Army Knife.

Chuck Norris knows how to 96 with women.


Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
The reason The VietCong dug tunnels in Vietnam was not to make suprise attacks on South Vietnamese or American soldiers, but to hide from Chuck Norris...

99f Chuck Norris is kick ass. The remaining 1s pain in your genitals. The other 10 ontributes to world hunger because Chuck Norris always gives 110

According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

Oxygen requires Chuck Norris to live.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.

Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.

Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell them there was a stripper in it.


When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.


If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.

Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris

The quickest way to a mans heart is with Chuck Norriss fist.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, Two seconds till. After you ask, Two seconds to what? he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldnt, he replied, Of course I can, Im Chuck Norris, and roundhouse kicked him in the face.

If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.

On the 7th day, God rested. Chuck Norris took over.

Scientists used to believe that diamond was the worlds hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.

God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.

When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

Chuck Norris roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

If you want a list of Chuck Norris enemies, just check the extinct species list.

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

Chuck Norris doesnt need to swallow when eating food.

If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.

Ironically, Chuck Norris hidden talent is invisibility.

Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly get out of jail free card.

One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

Chuck Norris eats babies and poops out delta force troopers


Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.

Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.

In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.

Chuck Norris is where babies come from.
The Beatles song Norwegian Wood is in fact about Chuck Norris' penis.

Chuck Norris starts everyday with a protein shake made from Carnation Instant Breakfast, one dozen eggs, pure Colombian cocaine, and rattlesnake venom.

Chuck Norris recently parted the Red Sea, so he could win a bet with God. Chuck is now immortal and is currently debating with God that he could beat him in an arm wrestling match.

Chuck Norris once noticed that each woman orgasms at a specific frequency. After 10 minutes of practice, he preformed the first ever orgasm orchestra for the largest crowd in music histroy. Unfortunately, the sight of Chuck Norris having sex caused every audience member to also orgasm, ruining his masterpiece.

Chuck Norris always wins Connect Four in six turns or less.

Chuck Norris does not open doors for his date. He roundhouse kicks them down. Her, too.

Chuck Norris does not see dead people. He eats them.

Chuck Norris has a Wrangler belt in karate.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Nothing can keep Chuck Norris away.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.