Anon Report This Comment Date: December 15, 2023 12:38AM
The most stupid people I've met are men, some of them own tuxedos, a few have
phds in law and despise anyone who practices it in the private sector. The DPP
is as far as they go in law. Unlike the phds in medicine, commerce and one in
music, whom I've met, these 'lawyers' know their superior intelligence resides
in their ability to embrace the political, and please those higher up on a
social ladder. How dare you call that kissing backside.
Being a girl does not make you stupid. They can be messed up by being gaslit in
emotional tones, misusing uncommon words, by older women (inner Sydney
Universities are known for this) who are always less fit and of lower
self-esteem than their victims (that's where 'body positivity' comes from).
This send up of the result proves a dystopian apocalypse, as presented in the
picture, is here, now:
"We apologise for this email, which may offend everyone.
A content warning: The following word may be triggering to anybody living with
elafiphobia, the fear of antlered grazing animals.
Dear
A content warning: the following word is a catch-all term which does not
acknowledge individuality, please proceed with caution
All,
We hope this finds you well. Though if you are not well, or well is not how you
wish to be found, know that we at the Telegraph respect how wellness can be both
a subjective term and exist on a spectrum. That said, we apologise for opening
in this manner. We will take learnings from the experience.
Equally, we hope you received our various correspondences preparing you for this
email invading the safe space of your inbox. We appreciate it can be tricky to
be found by an email if you did not give prior consent to being found. We regret
how this looks.
To begin with, we would like to forewarn you that in a few sentences’ time,
mention will be made of a recent third-party email which discussed the action or
fact of an individual no longer being alive.
(We wish to apologise for using the word “party” in the above paragraph. We
appreciate that not everybody enjoys parties, and certainly not three of them.
We will endeavour to use a more inclusive term, such as “gathering”, in
future.)
Former Chancellor of the Exchequer Alistair Darling is dead. AP
It has been brought to our attention that His Majesty’s Treasury sent a
missive (mercifully, not a misterive) to staff last week announcing the passing
of former chancellor Alistair Darling by first cautioning that the blog pertains
to the subject of death, which some recipients “may find difficult to
read”.
The Treasury’s content warning was a good start. However, the Telegraph would
have gone further and made it clear the email is also potentially triggering to
anybody unable to use alleys, stairs, or has been called “darling” by, for
example, a sexist or a taxi driver.
The Civil Service, being both civil and of service, is always at the forefront
of innovation in how we can be more respectful to our fellow humans and huwomen
and huothers. To that end, lately it has also begun inviting staff to add a
voice recording of them saying their name to their email signatures, “to help
others get the pronunciation right”.
When they are mispronounced, an advisory note continued, “it can make people
feel unseen”. So “if you feel comfortable doing so”, making a recording
remedies this. The clip should be found just after one’s pronouns and before
one’s job title, assuming you are happy to identify with a job title.
This was all sent by somebody called “Sam”. For years, people had been
assuming their name was pronounced “Ethel”, or just called them “mate”
to avoid embarrassment. Thanks to a short clip confirming it rhymes with
“ham”, no longer does this happen. This is progress. But remember, as Barack
Obama said, “there is no straight line to progress”.
(Historical context note: Barack Obama is a divisive figure whose acts,
especially those relating to drone attacks affecting innocent civilians and the
wearing of vests under smart shirts, are rightly considered problematic to
modern historians. We are also happy to acknowledge that occasionally there is,
in fact, a straight line to progress, such as the A15 between Riseholme
roundabout just north of Lincoln and Horncastle Lane roundabout near Welton
Cliff, built as it is atop a former Roman road.)
((Historical note to the historical note: Really sorry for mentioning the
Romans. We will be providing free counselling in meeting room 2.4 for anybody
affected by this error. Carthaginian colleagues are encouraged to attend.))
The Telegraph is pleased to be joining the Treasury in updating its email
guidelines, beginning with this notice. It is our intention that with this new
approach, emails are both clearer and more inclusive to you, the readers. Or to
use a term we will be trialling from 2024, “content consumers”. It is not
right that we keep using such a presumptive word as “reader” when so many of
you do, in fact, have the paper read to you by your valets.
Wishing you a merry – nope, sorry, nearly slipped up again there. Wishing you
a pleasant end-of-year time off when you could or could not be celebrating
anything. As usual at this time in December, we will be offering one-to-one
support for any staff who have lived experience related to conceiving a
Wonderful Counsellor, Prince of Peace, Bright Morning Star or King of Kings
immaculately, or anybody who has given birth in a shed next to a bowl of
myrrh.
Thanks,
A content warning: the following word is gender normative
Guy
A content warning: victims of a specific australian outlaw, gang-leader and
police-murderer active in the mid to late 1880s may wish to skip this last part.
As might anyone affected by a tv host called lorraine
Kelly
Click to see how I pronounce my name. He/Him, Hi/Ho
The Telegraph London"
