Mrkim Report This Comment Date: November 16, 2010 03:54AM
Jesus wasn't sure just how, but he knew somehow he had to kill the baby
diploticus. "Maybe bashing in the back of its head with the baby croc
would work." he mused. No matter what, he had to make it happen so he
could bury the skeleton .... it was the only way
jebusfish Report This Comment Date: March 01, 2021 01:10AM
Fundamentalist Christianity: fascinating. These people actually believe that
the world is twelve thousand years old. Swear to God. Based on what? I asked
them.
"Well, we looked at all the people in the Bible and we added 'em up all the
way back to Adam and Eve, their ages? Twelve thousand years."
"Well, how fucking scientific, OK. I didn't know that you'd gone to so much
trouble there. That's good. You believe the world's twelve thousand years
old?"
"That's right."
"OK, I got one word to ask you, a one word question, ready?"
"Uh huh."
"Dinosaurs."
You know, the world's twelve thousand years old and dinosaurs existed, and
existed in that time, you'd think it would been mentioned in the fucking Bible
at some point:
And O, Jesus and the disciples walked to Nazareth. But the trail was blocked by
a giant brontosaurus... with a splinter in its paw. And the disciples did run
a-screamin'. "What a big fucking lizard, Lord!"
"I'm sure gonna mention this in my book," Luke said.
"Well, I'm sure gonna mention it in my book," Matthew said.
But Jesus was unafraid. And he took the splinter from the brontosaurus paw, and
the brontosaurus became his friend. And Jesus sent him to Scotland where he
lived in a loch, O so many years, attracting fat American families with their
fat fuckin' dollars to look for the Loch Ness Monster. And O the Scots did
praise the Lord: "Thank you, Lord! Thank you, Lord!"
Twelve thousand years old. But I actually asked this guy, "OK, dinosaur
fossils-- how does that fit into your scheme of life? What's the deal?" He
goes:
"God put those here to test our faith."
"I think God put you here to test my faith, dude. I think I've figured this
out."
Does that-- That's what this guy said. Does that bother anyone here? The idea
that God might be fucking with our heads? Anyone have trouble sleeping restfully
with that thought in their head? God's running around burying fossils: "Ho
ho! We'll see who believes in me now, ha ha! I'm a prankster God. I am killing
me, ho ho ho!" You know? You die, you go to St. Peter:
"Did you believe in dinosaurs?"
"Well, yeah. There were fossils everywhere. (trapdoor opens)
Aaaaarhhh!"
"You fuckin' idiot! Flying lizards? You're a moron. God was fuckin' with
you!"
"It seemed so plausible, aaaaaahh!"
"Enjoy the lake of fire, fucker!"
They believe this. But you ever notice how people who believe in Creationism
usually look pretty unevolved. Eyes really close together, big furry hands and
feet? "I believe God created me in one day." Yeah, looks like he
rushed it.
Such a weird belief. Lots of Christians wear crosses around their necks. You
think when Jesus comes back he's gonna want to see a fucking cross, man?
"Ow." Might be why he hasn't shown up yet.
"Man, they're still wearing crosses. Fuck it, I'm not goin' back, Dad. No,
they totally missed the point. When they start wearing fishes, I might show up
again, but... let me bury fossils with you, Dad. Fuck 'em, let's fuck with 'em!
Hand me that brontosaurus head, Dad.”
